


Things You Cross Out

by harleybarley



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Confused Sirius Black, Dating, Demisexual Character, Demisexual Sirius Black, Demisexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, Gen, Homophobia, Hopeful Ending, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Non-Consensual Touching, Pre-Relationship, Remus Lupin is a Good Friend, Romantic Angst, Rumors, Self-Discovery, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, pre-wolfstar, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28365159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harleybarley/pseuds/harleybarley
Summary: “What is wrong with you, Black?” She snapped, after scrambling to her feet and brushing the grass from her skirt.  It wasn’t really a question that demanded an answer, but if it had been, he wouldn’t have had one anyway.He just really didn’t know.Maybe I am queer?---Sirius isn't straight, but he's also not gay.  He doesn't seem to like people the way everyone else likes people.He feels broken.  Maybe he is.  But he probably isn't.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 98





	Things You Cross Out

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my amazing beta @signed_aj
> 
> The characters and the world belong to J.K. Rowling (despite her horrible comments, which I vehemently reject).
> 
> Please please please leave feedback / comments / etc. :)

Nearly everyone at Hogwarts would characterize Sirius Black as an attractive bloke. He knew they would, and he knew he was. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy the benefits. It certainly didn’t hurt that he could also string a reasonably eloquent sentence together, talking quickly enough that he sounded smooth, but not so quickly that he seemed suspicious. His looks, combined with his ability to talk, definitely had their perks.

But he was pretty confident that he enjoyed being attractive almost solely for reasons that were different from what the people around him would have suspected.

Using a smile and some carefully chosen words, Sirius could get Madam Pince to look the other way when he was late returning a library book, well, at least for a couple of days.

His best hopeful and innocent face could get him past Madam Pomfrey and into the hospital to visit Remus after the full moon, despite Peter and James getting turned away when they tried to visit as well.

Even Slughorn didn’t seem to be completely immune to his charm.

It came in handy, especially for someone that seemed to partake in activities that could easily land him in detention far more often than he should.

But everyone else seemed to think Sirius would enjoy being attractive for primarily romantic reasons. Peter, for one, was definitely jealous, commenting about how easy it would be for Sirius to get a girlfriend with his “looks” whenever the opening arose. Even James would chime in with comments about Sirius being too pretty for the girls to think rationally around him (an observation that truthfully seemed a bit rich coming from James “can’t speak without sounding like a complete prick while in the presence of Lily Evans” Potter). However, in reality, the romantic implications of his looks were something he viewed as far more of a negative than a positive.

James seemed to think Sirius didn’t really notice the girls that were into him. But that wasn’t true. He noticed. How someone could possibly miss girls batting their eyelashes, twirling their hair, and giggling was beyond him. Frankly, he was almost offended that James thought he might be thick enough to miss such a thing, but addressing his offense at James’ comments wasn’t worth the conversation that would inevitably ensue.

It was just easier to pretend not to notice, especially when the alternative was trying to figure out what in Merlin’s name he was supposed to say or do in those situations.

_~~Maybe I am queer?~~ _

During fourth year, he finally caved and went on a date with Marlene McKinnon in Hogsmeade. If he was honest, he didn’t particularly want to go out with Marlene, but it was something all of his friends seemed to really want; maybe he just needed to try it to want it too.

James had agreed to go on a few dates with Mary MacDonald, though to be fair, that was mostly to see if he could make Lily Evans jealous. It didn’t seem to be working.

Remus had been dating a bloke from Ravenclaw for several months, a fact that most definitely wasn’t bothering Sirius in any way, because if he refused to acknowledge it, it just didn’t exist, just like magic.

Even Peter was going out on dates, though nothing seemed to stick for any kind of a prolonged period.

Sirius didn’t want to. He really didn’t. But he wanted to want to, and maybe that was enough.

_~~Maybe I am queer?~~ _

It wasn’t enough.

Marlene was pretty, kind, smart, and funny. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her. In a world where he could create a person to check all the boxes that most people seemed to want in a significant other, Marlene hit them all. And then some.

But there was nothing there.

They talked and laughed, drank butterbeer, and walked around the village. It was pleasant enough, but nothing special. He had no urge to hold her hand, let alone kiss her.

What was wrong with him?

_~~Maybe I am queer?~~ _

At the end of their date, he leaned in for a chaste kiss, partially to be a gentleman, partly to see if that simple act could fix whatever it was that was wrong with him, and partly because he just didn’t know what else to do.

Marlene’s lips were soft and warm but unfortunately, there was nothing inherently pleasant about the experience. In fact, the first adjective that came to mind was ‘awkward.’ His heart rate didn’t accelerate, and his palms were free of sweat. But it was his first kiss; having it be awkward was normal, right?

He pulled away and offered her a smile, thanking her for their date before they parted ways.

As he walked away he tasted his breath, it tasted funny, he wasn’t sure that he liked it. He also felt like his legs were carrying him more quickly than they usually did up the stairs to the boy’s dormitory by their own volition. Almost like his instincts were telling him to flee, and his limbs were obeying.

He flopped down on his bed, his mind racing. What was going on? What was wrong with him? Why did it feel like he was broken?

_~~Maybe I am queer?~~ _

When James, Peter, and Remus also returned from Hogsmeade, they all chatted about their days; it was the first Hogsmeade weekend they hadn’t spent together, after all. As James, Peter, and Remus recounted their days, Sirius couldn’t help but find himself wondering what they would have gotten up to if they had all gone to the village together, like usual. Was it weird that it felt like spending the day with his friends would have been at least as, if not much more, pleasant?

Ultimately, his friends noticed he hadn’t said much. James smirked at him while Peter and Remus hid their smiles. They thought he was hiding a secret. And maybe he really was. But it definitely wasn’t the one that they thought he was hiding.

He tried. He really did.

He talked about girls with James, forcing himself to find attractive qualities in the girls James discussed, namely Lily Evans. He might be broken somehow, and he might not really understand it, but he wasn’t blind.

He also listened to Remus talk about blocks, silently finding just as many qualities that were attractive in the guys that Remus talked about as the girls James discussed. He was still broken, but still not blind.

Sometimes he felt like Remus gave him a bit of a funny look during these conversations, but he never said anything, a fact Sirius was eternally, albeit silently, grateful for. 

_~~Maybe I am queer.~~ _

By the end of fourth year, Remus and his boyfriend had broken up. A fact that Sirius enjoyed, for some reason, even though he was also really, truly sorry for his friend.

He thought about what was wrong with him quite a bit, considering why his reaction to Remus’ breakup wasn’t the same as his other friends was another thing to add to his list of things to think about. But trying to sort out his thoughts was like trying to untangle devil’s snare. Why did it feel like he was fighting with himself?

He definitely liked it when people looked at him, when he felt like he was attractive. He liked it when his hair looked good and his clothing fit nice. Looking good and feeling attractive made his walk have just a little more bounce in it than it usually did. It felt good.

Everyone seemed to think he cared about his appearance because it attracted the attention of birds. And Merlin, he really did put effort into his appearance most of the time, even his casually disheveled look required effort. But he liked having his own style.

And maybe it was the attention that he got that made him take extra care, but he didn’t think it was as simple as everyone else seemed to think. He liked how it made him feel. But did he like how he felt simply because he liked how he felt? Or did he like how he felt because other people were looking? It definitely didn’t feel like it was “for the birds,” as James or Peter would have claimed.

_~~Maybe I am queer.~~ _

In fifth year he decided to try again, agreeing to a date with a pretty sixth year Ravenclaw girl, Serena Gotch, that had walked up to him confidently and asked for exactly what she wanted, a walk with him by the black lake that Saturday. It seemed like she would take charge of the situation, and maybe that was what he needed, so he agreed.

It wasn’t what he needed.

What started out as a walk had taken them to a hidden corner by the forest where they sat leaning against the trees. That had, in turn, taken him to a position far too horizontal for his liking, Serena straddling his hips, so close that it felt like he couldn’t breathe. It had happened so fast, in a moment that was only a blink of an eye, but one that he would replay in his mind endlessly trying, and failing, to understand what exactly he had missed.

In another blink of an eye, she was tugging at his trousers, and panic was bubbling in his chest, his fingers closing on her wrist and pulling her hand away before he gently but firmly pushed her off and rolled away to safety.

“What is wrong with you, Black?” She snapped, after scrambling to her feet and brushing the grass from her skirt. It wasn’t really a question that demanded an answer, but if it had been, he wouldn’t have had one anyway.

He just really didn’t know.

Somehow, after that, Sirius Black, probably the only Gryffindor bloke in his year or older that had yet to really take things further than a few kisses, had gotten a reputation as a slag. Evidently, Serena hadn’t taken the way things unfolded very well and had decided to spread a rumour that explained why she had turned him down, not the other way around. He couldn’t even bring himself to be upset about his new reputation. It was a lie that was far enough away from the truth that it felt safe.

_Maybe I just like taking things slow?_

_But it had all felt so incredibly wrong._

_Maybe I am queer._

_But it feels more complicated than that._

He tried to picture himself with someone else, but they never had a face. They weren’t even distinct enough to have a definitive gender. And there was nobody, at least nobody in the walls of Hogwarts, that Sirius really wanted to tug into a broom closet or take behind the stands of the Quidditch pitch.

He even tried to read Peter’s romance novels, scanning the words on the pages like maybe they would hold some elusive answers for him. If anything, they just planted more questions in his mind. Everything was so simple in the pages of the books. Touches felt good. People, at least mostly, knew what they wanted. Storylines resolved and the characters got their happy endings. Oh, Merlin, how he sometimes wished he could climb into the pages of one of those stories.

_I am not straight. But I don’t think I’m really gay either. Why don’t I know what I want?_

Sirius really tried. He allowed himself to be tugged into a broom closet with a bloke from Hufflepuff after the Winter Formal. It hadn’t been a particularly lengthy encounter, and it had been, well, fine. Maybe better than his kiss with Marlene, definitely better than his experience with Serena. But still, it was only fine. He hadn’t been in pain, though, to be fair, that wasn’t an awfully high bar to clear. And it was quite a far sight away from everything he read about in those romance novels. But he was starting to think those things weren’t possible, at least not for him.

But he really didn’t want to be single. James and Lily were dating now, Remus was fresh off a new breakup and immersing himself whole-heartedly in his studies, even Peter had a girlfriend that had stuck around for over a month. He didn’t want to be alone, a statement that he knew sounded pathetic but that he was still somehow foolish enough to voice to Peter.

“You haven’t even tried, Pads, you’ve barely even really dated anyone,” Peter replied, waving his hand dismissively. He sounded bored, but the words stung just like a slap to the face.

He nodded jerkily. Peter wasn’t wrong, he hadn’t put much effort into his romantic situation, especially when he compared himself to someone like Peter. He wanted to try harder, but he wasn’t even sure how to go about doing that. Where was he supposed to start?

So he thought about it. A lot. He knew he certainly didn’t want to be alone. But when he thought about a hypothetical relationship, mostly, he just wanted to feel safe. To trust someone, have that someone trust him. He didn’t really care what they looked like or what gender they were. Maybe it was because he had never felt safe growing up; perhaps it was because there was no trust in the Black family. But whatever the reason, it was starting to feel like it didn’t matter; reasons only really matter when something can be changed. This couldn’t.

But he knew he really didn’t want to be tugged into a broom closet or have someone climb on top of him by the black lake. What he really wanted was to take care of someone while they were sick and press gentle kisses to their temple when they woke up. And he also wanted that same someone to do the same for him.

Maybe that was weird. But it just, _was_.

“Padfoot, are - are you queer?” Remus asked suddenly one day while they were in the common room. Remus was studying, Sirius was passing the time dancing with his own thoughts, unsure who was even leading the dance.

Sirius frowned, glancing around the deserted common room. He didn’t remember it getting so late.

“Uh, yeah, I think I might be,” he replied, finding his own calm honesty to be surprising, “I don’t think I’m straight, but I really don’t know what I am.” _Other than not_ _normal_ , he added silently.

“Ok,” Remus replied simply, turning back to his book, his lips twitching briefly into something that could have been a smile.

Sirius looked at him incredulously, his mouth falling open. Of all the reactions he would have anticipated for when he first spoke those words, this certainly wasn’t it. This was undoubtedly better, though.

“Well, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m around,” Remus said to his book, still just as casually as he was when he discussed homework.

“Er - thanks.”

“Anytime.”

Maybe it was his shock at Remus’ matter-of-fact reaction. Maybe it was the fact that saying those words had lifted a weight he hadn’t even realized he’d been carrying. Or perhaps starting to talk about something he’d held in for so long was like starting down train tracks without breaks, the only option was to continue.

“I think I’m just really fucking messed up,” he said quietly. Remus frowned and closed his textbook, calmly setting it on the table, taking Sirius’ hand and giving it a soft but encouraging squeeze. “I don’t know what I want,” Sirius continued, “I want a relationship, but I think I - er - move more slowly, than other people. I want to be able to trust, and build, and I dunno. Maybe I’m broken or weird. Maybe my family fucked me up…. even more than we already knew.”

Sirius chanced a glance at Remus, he looked sad, but there was something else in his eye. Something Sirius didn’t know what to call. Something that made his stomach do a flip.

“I’m just hoping, maybe, someday I will wake up and understand,” Sirius whispered.

“You will,” Remus replied simply, giving Sirius’ hand another squeeze.

Sirius didn’t want to dare to believe him, just in case Remus was wrong, in case he was stuck broken and alone forever. But at that moment, with Remus fingers interlaced with his own, even without any supporting evidence, he somehow just did.


End file.
